Cougars: Connecting Without a Connection
November 1, 2009
ON THE PROWL
The phrase “cougar” symbolizes the prowling nature of this nocturnal female. She is on the hunt for the younger, more youthful, fancy-free and ready to do-it-all male. High-voltage sex is the name of the game.
This is an urban phenomenon, found in the up-scale restaurants, bars and clubs in cities throughout America such as Scottsdale, Arizona. Scottsdale is known for its cosmetic culture and cougars can be spotted by their demeanor and physical appearance including breast enhancements and other forms of plastic surgery. These are hot-to-trot, dressed to the hilt, saucy and attractive women who are 35 years and older. Some have been previously married, have children and are not interested in the dating scene, emotionally bonding, or living with a partner.
According to 21-year-old Mike, “I walked through the bar, made eye contact and she (cougar) hit on me. She gave me a juicy kiss, her phone number and text messaged me an hour later. Three days later, I called Lauren (35 years old) and invited her to my apartment for a massage, full course dinner and spicy sex. We are both in our sexual prime. The rush is addictive.”
Control over their willing partners is a part the game as these women seek to sexually entice their younger prey. The rush comes from the risk and energy that the younger male brings to the encounter. According to cougars, it’s a win-win situation as both male and female get their needs met for companionship and sex without the downside of ties or commitment.
Cougars satisfy their needs through:
• The use of power and control – “I know what I want and I can get it.”
• Risk-taking behavior – “I want to feel free and detached.”
• Turning back the biological clock -”I’m not ready to lose my personal prowess.”
• The validation of attractiveness – “You like that don’t you?”
• The adrenaline rush of high intensity, erotic sex – “Let’s try this.”
• The shedding of resentment from failed former relationships – “You guys think I can’t do it; I’ll show you.”
• The importance of an up-scale, high-profile image – “Notice the diamonds, cleavage and confidence?”
• The challenge of balancing home life with the alluring draw of night-life – “Women hear me speak; I can do it all.”
• The benefits of being around the block – “I have experience on day one.”
WHAT DO THE SHRINKS THINK?
Some psychotherapists view this phenomenon from a positive perspective. They see these women as healthy because they are confident, self-enlightened, and know what they need and want. They desire the simplicity of a high energy connection without the potential trappings. Other therapists focus on the dark side. Cougar behavior is viewed as a desperate attempt to use that which is fleeting – a woman’s physical appearance. The urgency of time prompts these women to throw themselves at younger men in an attempt to turn back the clock. According to these therapists, cougars get all spiffed up, go to the clubs, play with younger men, and go home to face their feelings of emptiness.
There is no doubt that these are confident, self-reliant women. Many cougars work in high profile jobs and are savvy and experienced. Because of their qualities, they are a good find for many men at least a decade younger.
Does the cougar’s lifestyle lack soulfulness? An encounter is different from a relationship, and the qualities of a good relationship are the hallmarks of intimacy and fulfillment. Maybe among all her social and occupational responsibilities, the cougar doesn’t need that? But I suspect that we have one more pattern of addictive behavior that feeds the frontal lobe of the brain only to fade away. Soulfulness is not merely connecting; it’s about making a meaningful connection. But for the cougar, she once again dresses up, hits the social scene staking her claim to her man on her next night out.